Jokes that the IRS Doesn’t Want you to Know
Get Screwed Every Year
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ‘Presidential Election Fund’, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a ‘1.5 inch screw’. (See attached article – HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and ‘screwdrivers’.
I. Get screwed Every Year
IRS in Space
People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women.
“How can you tell when a tax auditor is trying to trap you into a confession?” Answer: “When his lips are moving.”
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?”
“Oh, good heavens, no,” the man replies, “I work for the Internal Revenue Service.”
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
“Excuse me,” he said. “Have you lost something?”
“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “Do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything.”
HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS
(Without Getting In Trouble!)
Well, it’s tax time again, boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven’t already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money…
1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you’re very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it’s on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
8. If you send two checks, they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are *only* recommended when you owe money.
Back Taxes Solutions
IRS Payment Plans
Setting up a payment plan with the IRS can sometimes be the easiest solution to dealing with back taxes. See what payment plan fits your situation the best.
IRS Penalty Abatement
Eliminate penalties and interest if you have legitimate reason for falling behind and not paying back taxes owed on time.
Delay IRS Collections
If you just need more time to pay and want to delay the IRS collection system you can easily get extensions.
Tax professionals can be your best option when requesting an offer in compromise. They will most likely get you a lower settlement amount than you would be able to get on your own. The offer in compromise is a very specialized filing and there are many professionals that can help ensure your offer gets accepted. To find out if you would qualify for an offer in compromise request your free consultation with a tax professional.